Cross

17 hours of repentance, forgiveness and prayer for 36 people. It was a really tiring day but it was good. It was good that we had a time to just be raw before God and raw before my classmates. I have never been raw and vulnerable before a group of people.

I listed down items that I have never voiced out and items that I had voiced out but wanted to speak it out again. I half expected myself to cry during the process but I knew I wouldn’t. I think I have said the list a thousand times and cried so many times before and I am numb.

I released into repentance many things which include self hate, eating disorder and sexual immoralities and my ah lian past.

I released forgiveness into lives that have hurt me, lives that made me who I am today, lives that allowed me to think in certain manner.

That night, God convicted me to break off all ties with two people. I am so glad I did it the next day. It was sweet. Conviction is so gentle but so firm and when it comes, you just know for sure that there is nowhere you can run to but to surrender into God’s guidance. I broke off all form of contact with B. I struggled that Saturday night after sending him that long text and after reading his reply. My mind ran through the hurts from the very beginning that it started and I sobbed in bed. It was a good release. Right now, I am just praying for the area of hurt from my memories to be healed.

A year ago, God wanted me to bring me through a heart surgery; a year later He brought me here and ran through the cracks of my heart. Gently, He came by and searched my heart. It was good. I am still having a lot to think, a lot to process. My will, mind, emotions are so tired and it is a daily choice to lay down myself and those thoughts and surrender it to God.

Side note: Life here has been better, although I still cannot get used to mornings with people talking to me or… just constantly hearing loud voices. It feels like mama but yet, different.

Sider side note: mama is sick so please pray for her ❤

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