It was not an easy day. This morning was so bad and I wrestled with sleep that I went to morning devotions grouchy. I read BRD but I could not register anything from the passage. Potes and I were in angsty state and I was snappy cos I just wanted sleep while he had to deal with himself. I went to morning worship feeling quite sian. Yet God’s presence was so amazing. I wanted a hug from someone familiar, someone’s arms I can cry in. We sang “Forever Reign” and proclaimed the characteristics of God and then “ohhhh I’ll run into Your arms I’ll run into Your arms.” The way I sign arms I would point to both arms instead of one when I do song signing so… I ended up hugging myself. I felt a hug, I felt a person stand before me and I started to tremble in tears. God, I want a hug from you for real. Please don’t mess with my brain. And I felt His hands in front of me. He took my hand and let me touch His scars. My hands were trembling as I did that, as my thumb touched His scars. I cried even more. I felt like Thomas who was full of unbelief. Later in class, the topic of Thomas was brought up and I was like oh shiiiittttttt this is not happening to meeeeee! Back to the topic of the time at worship, it was my second significant time that I knelt down and sobbed. Last March, I wanted restoration the same way the blind man wanted sight. Now, I wanted God to tenderize my heart. Let me be raw, let me be vulnerable. I don’t know what else I am holding back but I feel so guarded and all I want is for Him to tell me He is on this train ride with me. I felt Him tell me that the road leading up to Friday is hard. His journey to Friday was also very hard but He was with God His Father. In the same way, God is with me through this journey. I feel convicted to share my life with the class now. It may not be areas that are new to repentance but to say it aloud, so that my sins will NOT have any stronghold against me but victory. The other part of me came to another conclusion that it doesn’t mean that I have done it before that it be easier or I won’t cry. Tears are worship to God so… CRY.
Next – my table folks said I should be a counsellor and I died.
ps – Sunday beach book date with my beauty queen was AMAZING. Hate how mehhhh the sand sticks on my skin but… love solitude and love how God speaks to me with His creation. Hi God, You are G-o-o-d!