Lies

Repentance and forgiveness week

Day 1: We went through studying trauma and ways to affirm or like build that aspect. For the longest time, I knew how much I am terrible at academics. I don’t like studying, I make thousands of mathematical errors because of my dyslexia, and I did hell badly for my O levels. My parents put a lot of pressure on me on that, making sure I get the best school, best occupation, best, best, best. The typical Kiasu culture that we Singaporeans have and I really don’t want to be that sort of parent. Today, we were asked to do a test and wow, I found out I am nature smart, people and self smart! Well at least I am smart, in different aspect. Maybe this is why I know the name of flowers so well? For sure, my math smart level was ZERO. I am way past the age to be upset about it but I am very proud of it.

We were then asked to trace the outline of our hands. One side writes what you think you are good at, the other hand what others think you are good at. After which, write down our top 3 smart points, and verbalize it. We turned to each other and voiced out, I AM RONDA, I AM GOOD AT… PEOPLE SAY I AM GOOD AT… AND I AM XX, XX AND XX SMART AND I AM MADE IN GOD’S IMAGE.

I held back many emotions. I found it very hard to say it, I have not been able to say that God is proud of me and I am made in His image. What society tells us is that we need to be academically great, we need grades and certificates to get a good career in life and do well. What Jesus is telling me is that I am made for more than that. All the C, D or even F that I see on my certificates do not mean anything to Him because He sees my heart. I honestly HATE studying and I hate it when people tell me they love studying just because I hate it.

Anway…

I had some free time before sleep time at 9.30pm and wanted to call my family. First try, no answer. Never mind. Dad said call back. The conversation lasted for only 2 minutes. I was already ready to have a long conversation to share with them what I had learnt so far blah blah… but they said okay goodnight almost immediately. Rejection and lies, satan’s powerful weapon indeed. I need to say that I miss my parents so much! Banter with my dad, hear mother’s nag and sister’s fight over my pillow… I miss it. I miss home and it is week 3. I am glad to see them soon.

A friend said weeks are passing by very quickly. We are at week 3 and lectures end at week 12. All I ask is for strength to overcome emotions these weeks. Each week, I feel the spirit of cannot do overwhelming me. Dear all, please pray. I cannot do this on my own.

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