The devil is great at planting negative thoughts in my head. For the longest time, I felt so alone. I felt like because I am the token Asian, I do not have people I can turn to who understand how Asian culture is like. I felt lonely, I felt horrible, and I felt so home-sick.
Thursday night I was talking to potes and I cried so badly. The tears just kept flowing. I found myself on the floor in tears as I was prayed for, so bad that someone asked if I am alright. I went to bed and cried even more. I told God that I want to feel loved and I want to feel His presence so real that I know He is with me.
Friday morning, I slept in and skipped breakfast. I felt so terrible and I just wanted to be in bed, yet I pulled myself up for chores. Friday morning was unexpectedly the best time I ever had. We had morning worship. That morning, YZ sent me a text “look at the sun. It rises every morning and God is faithful”. Morning worship, the song “You’ll come” became so real to me. “Surely as the sun will rise, You’ll come to us” and that you are faithful even when we are unfaithful. His mercies are new EVERY morning. I cried even more and I was so shaken by the battle that is going on in me. I was wrestling. For awhile, I forgot what the root cause of my wrestle was but I knew that God was just speaking to me. I wanted more of Jesus. That itself was my prayer come true. God is so real and His love is far greater than any other love. I went to the toilet and cried even more. It was such a good time of pouring out and someone knocked on the door to ask if I want to talk about it or if I needed prayer. Thank you but I really want my time alone. I met the other Singaporean girl who is in the same intake but different course. A big hug and I cried even more. She prayed for me and said that she saw a guitar. I had the strings and nuts on but God was just fine tuning the guitar so that it will be a pleasant sound that reaches others. That same day, we had application session and had to ask God “What do you think of me?” I saw a chiselled piece of wood that God is still chiselling and He said that I am a work in progress and the end product will be beautiful.
God, the process is not easy, it is painful but I trust that You are gentle to me, You are gentle to my heart and You are my good good Father.