2 types of heart: the spiritual heart and the cartoon heart.
I am leaving for Perth tomorrow afternoon and I have not come to terms with it. I think earlier this week when I realized that I need to start packing my bag and that I need to get my things all set for my next journey of faith that I realized I am scared yet excited. Today, I sensed peace. I sense this calming peace within me to allow me to say with certainty that my heart is ready. I am not one who is ready to trust but I am very certain that it is God’s steady hands that are ushering me into this unknown. I am excited because although I have fears, God is strong enough.
I have never imagined myself to be going overseas for a long period, I have never imagined myself even, to say yes to unknowns and do full time ministry. I have always been dependent of others, following the lead of others and never once (I think), been independent to do things on my own. Baby bear is going alone. I am scared because I know I am absent minded and when I am scared I will be manja just to be comforted. However, this time, no matter how many friends come up to me to encourage me or to support me, only God can be my comforter and yes – best gentleman ever. I look back a year ago, when God revealed that this is the area He wants me to me and see how His gentle hands have been nudging me in different areas and have provided for me in EVERY aspect. I know for sure that even though I fear, even though it is not an easy ministry to be in, God will see me through.
My mentor triggered my tear glands when she sent me this really long text in CHINESE. Well, it took me quite awhile to digest what she said. Anyhow, I am really thankful for this spiritual friendship that we have. Thank you for holding my hand through my entire spiritual journey. First time in a church camp, TRACkers and not knowing how to read the bible or how to pray, to serving in church, to struggles everywhere, to now… Thank you for setting a great example for me and for constantly checking in with me and for giving me tight hugs when you are back in Singapore. I love you Tan Wan Lin (first name ever on my blog).
The cartoon heart
From the time I knew this is an area where God is calling me to, till awhile back (I don’t know when I let my guard down), I told myself that I don’t want any romantic interest in anybody or have anybody to have the same way for me. I cannot have myself missing someone while I am focusing on God, or have myself to miss home because of someone.
I have been wrestling with this for the past week and I just felt God speaking to me through service that He didn’t want Adam to be alone, He brought Eve. He didn’t want both Adam and Eve to be alone so He brought them a community. I may be wrong about my sensing but I am thankful for this person. He journeys with me, prays with me, leads me spiritually, laughs with me, comforts and assures me and allows me to be myself even when I am an annoying brat. I like his heart and is still learning to accept his physique (HAHAHAHA). Different seasons, different teachings and I am ready to allow God to reveal to me.