I realized why I love being in corners. It gives me a great sense of security, it allows me to know that nothing will come from behind me and everything that comes to me, comes from the front. I realized that since young, I would cry in a corner, if I am in a foreign place, I would go to the corner. Root of this habit, the lack of trust.
In recent months, I tried to be a bit more open with sharing certain information or sharing my heart to family members. Then I realized why I guarded myself in the first place. I realized trust is hard to attain when the people around you fails you – constantly.
I read a page from “crazy love” by Francis Chan and I cried because it is my life’s pattern:
“Trust the promises of God. I know it sounds obvious and maybe a bit cheesy. Of course we should trust Jesus! We all assume we are doing this fairly well. But the Lord has recently shown me some of the doubt in my life. Like many of you, I have trust issues. I have been lied to so often, and I also recognize the deceit that has come out of my own mouth. It makes it difficult to trust. Being slow to trust is not necessarily a bad thing. After all, Jesus was not quick to trust everyone. But it gets dangerous when our pattern of distrust spills over into our relationship with God. This is one area where I saw sin creep into my life. I have become guarded. When people make promises, I assume they will not follow through. This way I can’t be let down. It’s much better than getting my hopes up and then being disappointed. This is a pattern of my life: Expect the worst so I can’t be hurt. Many live this way. We read His promises but we don’t want to get our hopes up. Not only is this wrong but it robs us from the joy that He wants for us. There is no reason to be guarded in our rejoicing. God can be trusted. He is not like anyone else.”
I have been struggling in the area of idols. What are the idols in my life that I am not able to lay down? I think it is the area of finances. I have not been able to fully trust that God is Jehovah Jireh, the God who provides.
A friend once said during a sharing that our age is the age where we strive for the best, to climb the corporate ladder and to save the most money. I looked at myself and I am like … yea and I am quitting my job for something that is unpaid. I wrestled with that sharing a lot. I know that it is only when you wrestle that you know you need to surrender. That night, I sobbed. God is great at letting you know the area of wrestle and allowing you to fall at His feet in tears. It is not like after I cry it out, I become a brand new person, not caring about my finances or living the life. The next day after the sharing, I have friends talking about business class flights and having the best omakase meal… …
As I was crying, I remembered my devotion from John 21 and remembered that God showed His disciples that He provides and when He does, it is more than enough. I see it as God asking me “are you ready to let go of the world?” and that, I am still wrestling. As much as I say yes to go full time, I have not said yes to let go of the riches of the world. As much as I say I am less guarded, I am still not able to fully let my guard down.