Guard

The following story that I am about to share is still ongoing…

For the past few months, I found myself grow more and more fondly for this guy, we shall call him… Tom. (Tom Dick and Harry hur hur) We got along quite well and hung out almost every week, even on group settings. I had always known that he is Catholic, but never really knew his relationship status with Jesus. One thing about Catholic, although they are different in terms of their beliefs, they still believe in Jesus Christ. I, for one, almost got baptized as a Catholic after years of Catechism classes. Okay background story, growing up in a convent, I went through Catechism classes since I was Primary 2 and would attend mass and even go up for Holy Communion just cause I thought it was cool and everybody else did likewise. Mass scripture readings were my only interaction with the gospel and I would hold dearly to those mass handouts while others chuck them aside or fold paper aeroplane with them. So, I never had the thought that Catholics are not saved, or there is a need to ‘convert’ a Catholic. To me, a Catholic and a Christian can be together, if they were aligned.

So back to Tom and I! I asked myself a few times if I can consider him as my partner and allow myself to respond to him accordingly. It was only through random conversations, I don’t know how those came about, that I realized he has no relationship with Jesus. That is key factor for me. The guy must have a relationship with God, a close relationship. But… I really like his company and I really think he is a good guy! But… there was no peace. So you know the struggle when you meet an eligible guy, you bring home and your dad says NO? My heavenly Father said NO with the un-peace that He gave me.

There was one fine day that I told myself I need to be guarded against emotional attachment and not allow myself to be hurt when the time comes/when I need to detach myself. I was chanting to myself: Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart”. Dear God, what does it mean to be guarding my heart? Can you guard it for me? Yet the command is guard YOUR heart, not I will guard your heart. Guarding your heart is protecting your character and not let the winds of the world blow you away. There, God. I will do what you say. After all, I am leaving for DTS, I don’t want an emotional baggage in the form of a BGR to linger around my heart. I want to go there in a clean slate.

Wine and conversations really go hand in hand. So Tom and I had a pretty deep conversation on relationship with Christ and my heart ached. It ached not because he is no longer my eligible man but it ached because he is so passive about God and does not believe in the Bible. Or even when I mentioned about worship, our lives be worship to God, he can’t accept that we worship God with praise and our daily actions. He did not recognize that we humans long for Jesus to heal our brokenness, long for Jesus to fill that void in us.

My heart ached as we debated, something that I did not ever imagine myself to do, and I prayed non-stop for God to build that bridge to walk into his heart. That heart of his was the stone that I could not plant my seed in. That night, as high as I was, I cried. My heart ached so badly because Tom is just like daddy, sceptical about Christianity. I realized how much I long for a relationship that glorifies God and a relationship that builds one another up in Godly love and edification. All these big words to make my sentence look a bit more profound are words that really resonate in me. The next morning as I was doing devotions, I read on the story where God opened Lydia’s heart to listen to Paul’s preaching. My heart jiggled because I know that although Isaiah 6 mentioned that people will be hearing but never understanding, seeing but never perceiving, I know that only God can and will open hearts in His time.

Tom and I are still friends and I pray that God will continue to mould his heart of stone to be of good soil and let ONE seed grow in him. I share this because it is close to my heart and also, this is my journey and I have nothing to hide, nothing to prove and nothing to lose. ❤

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