I tried hard to think of a title, I have not thought of one yet.

I have been struggling to keep awake every day. I have school and assignments, work and deadlines, church essay and commitments to juggle. Yet I find it amazing how whenever I lack sleep or lack the energy to continue, I fall sick and then I find myself sleeping the entire day with no interruption at all. This pillar of strength that I am leaning on is really incredible. My immune system tho, needs to be worked on. One of my fears is that I fall really sick when I am overseas/when I am out in the field. When I was on the way to the doctor, my dad messaged ‘you always fall sick, how to go overseas like that?’ I wonder too.

15 October 2016

I met a dear friend (N) who shared with me her journey at DTS. It is so good to have someone to journey with, someone who had gone through it all to advice and to encourage. My flesh still fears. Some part of me wonders what if I just say ‘no, God, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to follow Your call’ what would Jesus say? Yet although my flesh is unwilling, I know this is where I must go and where God is calling, I cannot say no to. I am scared also because the ministry I am facing will be of the underworld. It isn’t like normal youth ministry or children ministry. Dealing here is gonna be more than that. I have sent the necessary information to people to support me. The amount of money I have to gather is crazy, sometimes I stare at the amount and really wonder if it will happen. Yet I was reminded that God always come on time and all I have to do is to trust that His ways are higher than my ways.

I have been resting upon this passage that was taken from ‘Utmost for His highest’, a passage that resounded deeply in me after the conversation with my friend N.

“The key to the missionary’s devotion is that he is attached to nothing and to no one except our Lord Himself. It does not mean simply being detached from the external things surrounding us. Our Lord was amazingly in touch with the ordinary things of life, but He had an inner detachment except toward God. External detachment is often an actual indication of a secret, growing, inner attachment to the things we stay away from externally.

The duty of a faithful missionary is to concentrate on keeping his soul completely and continually open to the nature of the Lord Jesus Christ. The men and women our Lord sends out on His endeavors are ordinary human people, but people who are controlled by their devotion to Him, which has been brought about through the work of the Holy Spirit.”

24 October 2016

Just the other night, I fell back into my state of wondering my ‘what ifs’. What if I denied all these that God is calling me to? What if I just say God I don’t want to do this? This is very tiring, very tiring to be leaning on You day by day. The path less traveled is not easy and I struggle almost every day. Temptations and the battles that happen in my mind, it seems like I cannot take control of these but to pray and trust that God overcame my battles. Yet I fall again and let these thoughts take control of me. Does it make sense? Some days I think it makes sense but other days I think it is utter rubbish. What if I get eaten by a big fish just because I refuse to obey and I turn back from my ‘YES’ to God? On the bright side, at least it is not a small fish and there will be leg space?

I am still struggling to fight this battle and then a dear girl messaged me this morning with the word “PERSEVERE”. As tiring as it, I am thankful for friends who plant themselves in my life to encourage me from time to time. Thank you friends for being there to hear my whines, to let me just be manja and then gaining strength again after a good laugh. I really need this community to hold my hand and walk through this with me.

Sobxz ❤

Devotions today hit at the right spot:

Whatever has made your life seem long and exhausting, Jesus can repair it by His powerful presence, His comforting words and His healing touch. He loves you. He longs to be gracious to you. He rises to show compassion so you can stand upright again.

Assured. Secure. Enveloped in His comforting embrace.

You are never lost in the crowd because you have captivated Jesus’ heart. His gaze is always fixed on you. He sees your pain. He’s aware of your affliction. He knows your struggles.

Like the woman in the synagogue, come as you are — with all that makes you feel less than. Draw near to Jesus, soak in His life-giving Word and wait expectantly to hear Him speak freedom over your situation:

“Woman, you are set free from your infirmity” (Luke 13:12b). Jesus did it for her … and He can do it for you too!


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