These few weeks have been quite bad for me and I honestly haven’t been myself lately. It is either that I am merely tired or I am just guarding myself and not talking to anybody around me.
The word disappoint has been in my head since the last week. People tell me not to be so hard on myself, I try not to but I am still struggling in that aspect. I broke down because of the fear of disappointment I may bring to the people around me. I saw disappointment in my parents eyes when I mentioned that I am going to serve God full time, I saw disappointment in my boss’s eye when I made a mistake, I saw disappointment in my then head usher’s eyes when service was messy and now, I am afraid that I will disappoint God when I serve Him. I am afraid that I am not the good and faithful servant He thought I would be, I am afraid I am not good enough to be serving Him and His people. Up to now, I still struggle with that.
During my quiet moments in tears, I saw God in a different light. I saw Him as the stern Father who is disappointed at my work. Then, I remembered what grace is. “Grace may be defined as the unmerited or undeserving favor of God to those who are under condemnation.” – Enns2 and Grace through faith, not through works. I am not worthy but He deems me to be worthy. Disappointments are manmade. Who defines what is normal or what is perfect? Who defines it better than the One who created the universe and said it is good?
Today while I ran, I played a sermon podcast: Spiritual Strength in Trials. One thing that struck me most isn’t about my spiritual inheritance, or that I have to face these trials with joy. What struck me was the analogy on the Oyster and the Pearl.
“Natural Pearls form when an irritant – usually a parasite and not the proverbial grain of sand – works its way into an oyster, mussel, or clam. As a defense mechanism, a fluid is used to coat the irritant. Layer upon layer of this coating, called ‘nacre’, is deposited until a lustrous pearl is formed.”
When these irritation or trials come to our lives, a pearl gets moulded. That is us. We are slowly being formed into a pearl even when we go through pain, even when we think that we are going through a dumb season, even when we think we can’t handle it on our own. We can’t but He can.
The sermon really lifted my spirits to remember that I am not in control of my own life and the people I meet or the problems I face. God went before me and knew all these are going to happen. All I have to do is to look up and lift up. I am still struggling to slowly let go of the word ‘disappoint’ and yes, it will bound to happen especially since we are never perfect, as much as we try to be one.