People generally think that when you go on mission trip, you will be on a spiritual high and then your relationship with God will be at the peak.

20th July 2016

I felt like crap. I felt I was not good enough for anybody in terms of relationship or friendship. I felt like I don’t deserve the best because I am not the best. I struggle with this very often.

Yet I know those thoughts weren’t from The Lord & I know I should not be allowing myself to dwell in these thoughts.

21st July 2016

Matthew 26:41 (NIV) 

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

This morning, I was reminded of this verse. Some days can be quite sian to wake up to choose God and to remember that His ways are higher. Some days like today, I am so tired from studying, so tired from work and all I want to do is to lay in bed to sleep. Some days I indulge in negative thoughts but drag myself out of it to remind myself that God is in control.

Everything that we have – including our very lives- is an expression of God’s love and generosity to us. Not only does our Lord supply what we need, He also gives us above and beyond all we could ever ask or imagine through His son – Jesus.

God, what I am sian about is probably this waiting process. In this waiting, please teach me to trust in Your ways.

22nd July 2016

It is hilarious how yesterday I was telling myself not to dwell in negative thoughts and today’s devotional is taken from – http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/preach-to-yourself

The battle against despondency is a battle to believe the promises of God. And that belief in God’s future grace comes by hearing the Word. And so preaching to ourselves is at the heart of the battle.

Today I was also asked to think of a few questions which got me thinking of other questions.

1- Generally people think I am a bubbly person, yet I don’t really have much emotions in the things I do. Is it weird? Rather am I just weird?

I think most of the time I don’t put a particular emotion to something and I think emotions are pretty draining. In the past when I am angry, I would be VERY angry yet now when I am angry, I think through my anger and then move on. When I am happy or excited it is pretty obvious cos I will be like a child. People who have interacted with me often enough would know most of the time I respond with ‘orh. like that lor’. In terms of my job, I just think of it as being faithful in what I do, trying not to make any mistakes and forcing dyslexia to not happen in my life. This leads to the next question:

2- What is your passion and strength?

I took awhile to admit this: my passion lies in those who are displaced and I really want to know God and make Him known. My heart, most of the time has no feelings (not because I built walls), but when it feels, I know that is what God has for me in my life. My strength is no doubt in people. As draining as interacting with people may be, I think I like to talk to people and counsel them (maybe they counsel me instead).

3- Career path and duration

If only this is up to me, if only I can plan and make it happen. Yeahhhhh I want to be a trainer- that was what I told my interviewers but it ain’t happening because His call is louder than my call in life.

If this was asked last year, I would probably just give a shrug or reply some airy fairy reply to shoo the matter away. This year, I am glad I know where I am called to be and right now, just be faithful till the time is right. Please pray with me as I go through this time of preparation in a lot of fear.

“… As I carry the cross, You carry me…”

One thought on “Weak

  1. “I felt like crap. I felt I was not good enough for anybody in terms of relationship or friendship. I felt like I don’t deserve the best because I am not the best. I struggle with this very often.”

    It’s only when we scrutinize ourselves with the metrics of the world that we feel worthless. Your value and tremendous worth comes from Christ who loves you and values the work you have done in his name and in the walk you have with him. Let his love reassure you of the incredible value of your life and encourage you in your journey.

    God Bless!

    Liked by 1 person

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