REHABILITATION.

Song of this season, actually there are many from Bethel – Shepherd https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMW-O9GB-UY

In the process
In the waiting
You’re making melodies over me
And your presence
is the promise
For I am a pilgrim on a journey

You will lift my head above the mighty waves
You are able to keep me from stumbling
And in my weakness
you are the strength that comes from within
Good shepherd of my soul
Take my hand and lead me on

You make my footsteps and my path secure
So walking on water is just the beginning
Cause my faith to arise, stand at attention
For You are calling me to greater things

05 April 2016

Whenever there are highs, there will be lows.

I was feeling horribly moody one day and while doing devotions, God spoke to me about identity and worth:

You are not what you do. Your value isn’t decided by a number on the tag in the back of your jeans, your profession or by your roles: career woman, wife, mom, sister, friend, etc. Those are gifts you have, traits you exhibit. But they don’t define the core of your being. You aren’t the sum of your mistakes or the messed-up identity you once wore.

Your identity is simple. It’s clear. It’s beautiful. Your identity is purely who God says you are. Beautiful, redeemed, renamed, engraved on the hands of Christ, where you will never be forgotten.

Amen, Amen. I still struggle with this, struggling to accept that my past has been cleansed and my scars are beautiful to God. The struggle is real.

14 April 2016

I dreamt that I met someone who loved my heart and did not care about my ugly past. I dreamt further and was brought to a beautiful place that seemed like paradise. I woke up and smiled and realized I was on a date with Jesus ❤ This gentleman is pursuing me and wow! His love is relentless.

21 April 2016

A dear friend whom I have not spoken to for almost a year randomly text me

” Hey I know this is random and abrupt but i am doing my devotion now and God keeps putting you in my mind and i prayed for you. Isaiah 26:3 ‘you will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.’ I just see a sister in you, struggling but clinging on to Him, helpless and weary but praying for His strength, walking each step and each day relying on Him and that somehow strengthens me.” 

Wow God, I did not even have to tell her what I was going through and You speak in really random ways! That very day’s devotions said “Jesus, prompt me when I grow faint to draw strength from you”

omo.

25 April 2016

I met my mentor after a very long break and was sharing with her the happenings of my very adventurous life. She asked me “how’s work”, a very common question to ask isn’t it? I told her my plans and her eyes sparkled.

For the record, 4 years ago when I was at my crossroads, she asked me to go on Logos Hope. I decided to work for WMC’s COSC and then Trackers and she thought maybe there will be another opportunity.

With a very closed mind, I said ‘NO LOGOS!” – sea sickness will get to me. I shared with her my thoughts on YWAM’s DTS. So DTS is not something new to me that I want to do it just because it is a new concept. I knew about DTS in 2010 when I went to Cambodia. There, DTS students were already sharing their fire for God and I was already quite keen. However, knowing my parents, they would probably flip if I were to do DTS at such a young age. I know of friends who went to DTS/is at DTS. However, it has never struck me to GO. More like to SEND.

Anyways, after that night of sharing with her, I went back to journal. Practical Singaporean like me, I had many fears.

1- Financial.

I knew that I had to raise my own funds if I were to go and I don’t like to ask people for money or have the thought of being blessed by others. (Gifts isn’t my love language) I also knew that it meant I would not be earning a salary and would be living on my savings/the support from friends and ministry.

What about my job when I am done? What am I going to do? Market place or Social work or Church?

2- Relationships.

Dear girl here has always wanted to settle down early, give birth and be a mother/wife. Thoughts that went through my mind was :

  • what if I find someone now and then have to leave for 6 months?
  • who will want to date a missionary though not full time, hopefully?
  • will I be single for the rest of my life? I will probably register myself to a nunnery.

Yet funny how I trusted that by the time I let my parents know about it, the grounds would be softer and my parents being pre-believers and anti church worker, will allow me to go.

So as I wrote these down in my journal, I felt the ah beng side of God saying “you don’t trust me is it? you say I am sovereign, you remember that I provide, I call you to go, you worry so much for what?” HAHAHAHAH and then the song ‘sparrows’ by Jason Gray played. I laughed at how faithless I am to trust that the God who is the Great I am. I felt Him telling me that the guy whom is worthy to spend my life with will have the same heartbeat, to be on this adventure with me. (dont gei siao tell me you have the same. God knows. kthanksbye)

29 April 2016

Off for a holiday, a break from Singapore, a break from work but never a break from God.

While I was stuck on the airplane for almost an hour for the doors to open, the pilot said “Please be patient and when it is ready, the doors will open”.

I randomly asked God “Is this what you call patience? I try to wait, I am restless, my body is aching and I can’t wait to get out there. When will Your door open so I can go out there (to shop)?

The pilot said again “Apologies, once we get the custom officers on standby, the doors will open”

Maybe I was thinking to much but I wondered ‘what needs to be prepared before my doors are opened?’

01 May 2016

If you have been to Thailand, Bangkok, you would know the name of the train station is BTS. For some reason, I kept hearing it as DTS.

One day after my massage, I was walking under the street sign that said BTS. *Brain clicked* Train rides with Jesus, BTS that sounded like DTS?

WHAT IS THIS?

I went back to google more about DTS. What ministries can I do? I can’t sing/dance/draw/act/not musically inclined… What caught my eye though, was on the ministry ‘priceless’ – Human trafficking, prostitution and slavery. Is it my heart was aching or is it I felt it was cool? I have no idea, Hi God, please reveal Your plans.

Dear God, I know You gave me a spiritual gift of Faith but this is really walking on water.I don’t know if this is a conviction to GO or is it an escapist route. I know if God calls, He will prompt until you say ‘OK OK OK YOU WIN YOU WIN’ – when in the first place you know you cannot win. hiak hiak hiakkkkkkk :p

06 May 2016

I felt sad and empty again. All of a sudden I felt lost again and no no this shouldn’t be the case. So human, so real. I recognized this as the rehabilitation station. Sometimes cold turkey, some times very stable with a dripped plugged in me.

08 May 2016

Day out with my nude undergarments babies and so I didn’t go to church that Saturday. I had a whole day of plans on Sunday but decided to cancel them and head down to church.

BEST DECISION EVER.

I was late. Nothing new about it. From the time I reached all the way till ‘please be seated’, I was cryinggggggg. Prayer time was on God’s love. He loves even the woman who committed adultery. I felt like that lady, a sinner, everybody wants to cast their stones at me and then Jesus loved me so much that He protected me.

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said,“All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. 10 Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman,“Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

11 “No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” – John 8:4-11 

Song of preparation before sermon “Forever reign” – You are good, You are good, when there is nothing good in me.

Link: Adulterous woman – Priceless.

// After service, I went with a couple of friends to YM and wanted to leave after worship. A friend asked me to sit in his cell group session as his co-leader was away. Why did I say yes? After his session, I went down with him to the offices. Why did I follow him?

The lift door opened and Behold! My mentor was standing outside the lift with DTS pamphlet and WOW! She was talking to YWAM staffs. omo. God, No don’t do this to me. I cannot deal with it (ya right. He doesn’t give what you cannot handle)

Is it clear enough that this is what God wants for me? I struggle to be obedient and so I asked God for more signs for confirmation. (:

09 May 2016

Devotions that day:

“While making plans and scheduling and doing our own thing is a natural response, Jesus is perched in our “boats” with a spectacular invitation.
He asks us to walk in faith with Him in our marriages, in the midst of disappointments, as we make plans and dream, in our relationships, in our anxious places and in every aspect of our lives.
Come with me.
Have you resisted that invitation? I have. I can look back and see that I resisted, only to discover that Jesus was trying to give me the greatest gift of His presence. He was trying to lead me out of my comfort to discover His plans for me.
Simon Peter was changed the day he decided to follow Jesus. He saw lame men leap to their feet. He walked on water. He went through hard places as well, but always with Jesus as his leader.
When Simon accepted the invitation, it changed him, and it changed his story. Once he might have been described as a man with salt on his cheeks as he fished all night. When all along, Jesus knew that Simon was a fisher of men.
Come with me.”

That beckon is real.

10 May 2016

In the morning I had a really random conversation with my colleague on teenage girls committing suicide due to depression. My heart sank and I was just wondering ‘why ah? why they cannot find the light? why must they commit suicide?’

Link : Depression = mental, emotional and spiritual slavery. Priceless = Enslaved.

In the afternoon, I did a very bimbotic thing. I looked for a smarty quote by CS Lewis to post with my photo on Instagram and for that matter, I did not internalize what the quote I posted. Just because it looked like it fitted that photo. omo so bimbotic. Is this why people call me blonda???? Yet God knows me so well to speak to me through this? omo.

Quote by Cs Lewis : “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” 

E saw my photo and the quote and exclaimed “OMG RONDA YOUR IG I felt that was what God wanted me to pray for is about how He is removing and revealing idols/false securities in your lives. In this season it’s gonna be damn painful and hard but hold on cos it’s for the greater purpose. Cos only when those are gone, your desire for His love to fill u completely will come true. So let Him do his thing – and at times you may not understand why, just trust and rest in His love. It’s ok to go before him and wrestle w the stuff u wanna keep cos it’s only when you wrestle that you know what you’re surrendering” 

Brb. Fainting.

So I did my devotions that day and aiyoooooo God really loves me:

“Daughter,” He calls her. And with that one word, He claims her as His own. It is as if Jesus is saying, “You have Me to father you now. You have me to take care of you, love you, cherish you. Everything good in a father that you missed, you will have in Me. I will be your father.”
With that one proclamation, all the lies, shame and hurt attached to her experiences as a daughter are healed. Jesus has the power to restore the daughter inside us, to make us whole where our fathers, despite their best or worst efforts, failed us.

16 May 2016

God, why do you want to love me? Who am I that You care for me? You know self doubt and all these insecurities are not from God and so, DO QUIET TIME!

so devotions mentioned:

“Knowing about healthy choices doesn’t equal me actually making those choices and therefore reaping the full benefit of a healthy body.
And knowing about life in Jesus Christ doesn’t equal me actually making the choice to obey His Word and therefore reaping the benefit of a healthy soul.
As James reminds us in today’s key verse, I must be more than a hearer, reader, discusser, watcher. I must be a doer.
God wants more than for us to have a simple awareness of His instructions. He wants us to obey Him and to do what He says — both for His glory and our good. His instructions may not always be easy but this much is clear: He wants us to hear His Word and just do it.”

Is it God very tired that I am so stubborn?

18 May 2016

Devotions spoke to me again, this time round it was more like a shout.

“As scary as it is to obey, God has proven His faithfulness. Even when it looks like I’m headed into the unknown, it’s only because my sight is limited. God knows His good plans for me, He just wants me to trust Him. And each time I do, the result is better than I could ever imagine.
God has given me joy and peace, He’s removed the fear that kept me bound for years, and my faith has grown.

Although it’s a paradox, I’ve learned this truth: The harder the yes, the greater I’m blessed.”

19 May 2016

After PCG that night, I was very troubled with this thought “A Christian who only has Christian friends and does not want to be with non-Christians. Does it mean she is not living up to her calling to be light?”

20 May 2016

I looked at my keychain and saw a lighthouse. I walked off.

Awhile later, E sent me a snapchat of a lighthouse in Australia. I paused.

Lighthouse = warning boats of the danger in the dark. We are called to be lighthouses and yes! God spoke to me about that thought I was troubled with. We are to warn others of the worldy darkness!

Devotions: Whether we’re fully aware of it or not, that’s what our souls hunger for most: God’s Word. We may pray for material things or mended relationships or financial blessings or easier lives, but what our hearts truly want is to hear His truth and experience His presence. Jesus encountered a man that day who wasn’t content with simply hearing Him speak. This man wanted to be changed, forgiven, healed. He wanted Jesus. 

Wheeeee~ This adventure is so exciting!

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