The following is the current journey I am on. Its gonna be a long read so take your popcorn and sit back. (and pardon if it is too messy!)
19 March 2016
My heart ached. The past relationship had caused a pretty deep scar in me and I cried uncontrollably at the youth musical. As if crying at the scene was not enough, I went home and cried even more till I puked.
Then, with my body so weak and soul so tired to try to be strong again, I knelt down and prayed. Kneeling down has never been something I would think of doing, especially with my old knee injury. I always thought if I want to pray, I can always sit down in any posture and I can continue my prayer, God will likewise listen to me. Yet that act of kneeling was a posture of humility, a posture of repentance. As I recalled sermon at TSS, it was on Mark 10:51-52.
51 “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
52 “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.
In the same way, I told God I want to be whole again – Restoration.
A friend (let’s call her ‘E’) spoke to me till 3am it was crazy but it was so good. “if its an heart issue, it must have a heart surgery and not only TO DO LIST of a heart surgery”.
20 March 2016
No miracles happened overnight, I woke up with the same feeling – SIAN. I took my phone and texted my ex-boyfriend using the couple app that we communicated in. Instead of feeling even more horrid, I became more decisive and deleted that app.
The act of deleting the app was like surrender. “God, not my will but Yours be done.”
I literally felt a burden lifted from me. WOOOHOO! Victory was celebrated with a goodnight sleep.
21 March 2016 (Start of Holy Week)
E prayed for me and told me the vision she saw:
“I kinda saw you in this choo choo train and you were leaving some station/one waving goodbye and as the train started it was slow, which gave you many chances to keep turning back. before you could do anything except to look at the station, the train continued chucking on and it became faster and faster and soon you stopped turning back and started enjoying the ride. and then with your eyes back in the train, you realized Jesus was sitting with you. WOOOHOOO train rides with Jesus!!!! This also tells me that you are not leaving it (the situation) with your own legs but on a train which eventually speed up and bring you away successfully. Spirit in you is freaking strong though your flesh is weak. Each time you feel discouraged or have meltdowns, down worry! you are still on the spirit train and it will only get better. just keep sitting and knowing Jesus is your strength and shield beside you and the next station you will reach is wholeness. “
How will you feel when your friend tells you she prayed for you and God gave her a vision? WAH. *heart jiggled*
I went to school that day still floating in and out of the gloomy soul and decided ‘HEY! There is Holy Week service!” I packed my bag and rushed over to church from school. I thought worship would have ended by the time I reach but God is so good (:
The song of preparation before sermon was “Hosanna” which means “Save, please!” It is a cry to God for help.
Sermon topic was ‘cleansing the temple”.
1 Corinthians 3 “16 Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? 17 If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.”
Guest pastor started off with Mark 11:21″The fig tree you cursed has withered!”. In the same way, my cousin nudged me and said ‘your fig tree bears no fruits, it has withered’ Amused at how she can link my ex-boyfriend with sermon topic.
So with the sermon topic of cleansing the temple, I felt God wanted to wash me clean of all my sins and guilts, I sobbed. I went up to get prayed for and the pastor’s wife said exactly what E said earlier ‘God wants to do a heart surgery in you, your heart has been wounded for too long’ *heart jiggled* If God wants to do a heart surgery, you can be sure that He doesn’t have parkinson’s disease.
22 March 2016
I went to work that day feeling very excited to see what God will be doing in my life. I recalled my dream: I dreamt that I had a month + while transiting in phases of life and was in the mission field. First scene was in The Philippines, playing with the children and speaking fluent Tagalog. Second scene was in Perth near the Blue boat shed with some hearing impaired friends, signing Auslan.
I was very puzzled. I know I have been long with my current workplace, I know I always have a heart for missions but why so random? I don’t speak Tagalog except simple phrases and Singapore’s sign language uses SEE, is very different from Auslan.
I shared with E and this is what she said “All that you mentioned required a new season, a new birth, a new skill. Perhaps the new season involves embracing people who are minorities, to do things that perhaps all along you wanted to but couldn’t cos of the previous season”
*pause* EH! that sounds legit! every valentines day, I would want to distribute food to the homeless but exbf showed no enthusiasm to do with me!
She continued ‘I think quitting your job doesn’t mean legit your job but your job in your dream was how why it held you back from being free/having time/courage to pursue your passion and why job maybe cos the past season was like going through a motion, sticking to it cos it was secure and regular.’ —- which I thought was kinda true especially when we got back together after the first break up. It was like going back to comfort zone…
23 March 2016
I felt God telling me to rest in His love and make choices.
I went through Trackers twice and the key verse for the programme : Luke 9:23 Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
The choice to cling on to hope and promises through the pain, the choice to block out negative thoughts and constantly fill my mind with goodness. I think God was so gracious to allow sinful human beings to take up our crosses DAILY instead of signing a contract of carrying the cross for a year. Awwww thank you Gentleman.
I went home after service and went back to read my journal. So many times over the 2 months in 2016 that we could have just ended the relationship. Firstly due to the lack of assurance from his lack of commitment and secondly, the snowballed fear. Then God reminded me one very important promise — He does NOT give the spirit of fear.
24 March 2016
Maundy Thursday service was an affirmation to choose. To choose to turn to God in good times and bad, to choose to turn to God when I am wallowing in my sins that I am not worthy. Taking up the cross is never easy but the most comforting thing that this Gentleman did was that He didn’t leave us hanging. He said “follow me”.
I am choosing to trust that His plans are greater than my understanding and no matter how I love to plan my life out, there is no way I can ever out-do God’s plans.
25 March 2016
I was at the bus stop, in a rush to meet some friends on this humid Good Friday. This thought came to my mind ‘ If God is teaching me patience, He will squeeze patience out of me”.
26 March 2016
His grace is ENOUGH for me. No matter how my mind fights with my heart, I felt God telling me to trust that His grace is indeed enough.
I watched “War Room” (if you have not watched it, please watch this Christian movie) and the part that got me laughing and nodding was when the lady said “The throne of your heart is either you or God. If you want victory, you need to BACK OFFFFF!”
The post that was shared on Facebook:
The part that caught my attention was this paragraph “This restoration, I am told, cannot happen without open heart surgery as heart valves do not repair by themselves.”
HEART SURGERY AGAIN. omo
27 March 2016
HE’S ALIVE!~ OH HAPPY DAY HAPPY DAYYYYYY YOU WASHED MY SINS AWAY~
I really saw my heart go from black to white (that’s gross to see a white heart but its ❤ kinda heart not the real heart if you get my drift) I felt my heart finally smiling, if you had known me long enough you would have heard my sharing on how my heart hasn’t been smiling blah blah.
Sermon was on the day in between – Friday Jesus died, Sunday He rose. What do you do or how do you feel on Saturday? Despair? I asked God “am I still in the day in between or have I resurrected?” I would say I am at the break of dawn (:
The end of my Holy Week journey. It was so crazy and I am loving this adventure (: